Tiger Woods Sex Scandal Apology Speech

Tiger Woods spends a good 14 minutes apologizing for what he did to those women and how it has affected his family, business partners, and his game both in golf and otherwise. Woods looked very presidential as he accepted full blame for these problems saying that he is “solely responsible” for the actions of at least 11 women and himself. Tiger’s collection of accountability, but not necessarily STD free mistresses ranged from a variety of backgrounds including a pancake house waitress and porn star Joslyn James also known as Veronica Siwik-Daniels along with a cocktail waitress named Jamie Grubbs who was reported to have text messaged Tiger about putting her panties on only to be told to take them back off again.

Tiger denied any wrongdoing by his wife Elin Nordegren in an incident that damaged the couple’s car before Elin bought a multimillion dollar island and Tiger checked himself into a rehabilitation center for sexaholics. Woods then went into a rant about the paparazzi following his mother around and stalking his kids to and from school with pedophile like tenacity.

Tiger concluded his speech by apologizing to parents for becoming a bad role model for their children and promising to redeem himself in a fashion reminiscent of Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick and Herpes Carrier Number 7.